you'll come back when it's over;
no need to say goodbye.

hi.
i thought i saw someone like you this morning. i realised i'm not over you when my heart jumped. shit.
i miss you more than you'll ever know.

i think i have a very bad temper. short too. (as in temper not height ah, be careful when you laugh. i might just flare up. haha)

at least i faced my feelings, conveyed it, and hopefully that settled everything.
finally.

tonight i had dinner with CH.
yong tau foo (spinach, chinese cabbage, xiao bai cai, button mushroom, vegetable ball, tau kwa, egg and kway teow) and a cup of watermelon juice treated by CH thank you!
did i ever mention?
i'm starting on a semi-vegetarian diet! no kinds of meat except fish. supposedly started on monday but i ate what i thought was fish cake when it turned out to be minced prawn/chicken ngor hiang. >:/ what a spoiler. anyway at least i didn't touch the chicken (in the soup) and the char siew, so it still counts for something right. (:
current at 2.25am, day three of my semi-veg diet, what should i ate today? (:
super feel like cooking in the weekends! *excited.

distinction tutorial's GP tuition. maybe i go try the Bishan branch. the sluggish, aged journalist still sounds like a good catch to push my mediocre marks up.

anyway i'm damn excited to use the new oven over the weekends/holidays. (:

tiredtiredtired.

"Cabbage I may be but I'm not green."
-Whitby (:

Walls have ears;

angry was the emotion of the week.
it would most definitely spill over to the next week because i just realised there's a bio test TODAY at 8am and i haven't revised.
neither have i done gp homework.
nor studied for gp quiz.
nor completed binomial distribution assignment.
it's all coming back to haunt me.

it's like wtbullshit? me eyeing on her position and very happy about her suspension/about-to-lose-her-captaincy/all the trouble she's got herself into?
i won't deny feeling angry and bitter about not getting it during elections last year but there's absolutely no point to take over now because you need to hold the position for a year before it'll be an official record. and i wanted it because i wanted my portfolio to look good (i'm sorry i'm so selfish). even if you really lose it, i wouldn't give a damn to run for it. and i've long accepted where i currently am at.
and there's no reason for me to feel happy about your supposed downfall because you know what? i honestly don't care. i don't give a damn. all i want to do now is pull through nats and do my part as a team member. To be honest, this year's team can really go fly kite. Seriously, what fourth position are you all eyeing on when the strongest player right here is not even up to the standard of 2009's captain(strongest player)? I push myself and train so hard every single day, working towards my end goal of having my win secured for the team. 1-4 is better than 0-5 agreed? at least i put my conscience at ease knowing i would have done my best.

I am so tired i really want absolutely nothing to do with the team when nats end. I want to quit but that would be utterly irresponsible of me. i wish i could. then we can all just sit back and watch how you struggle to keep the team's dream afloat on the non-existent cloud nine of victory. happy floating. (but i'd feel so indignant instead of happy wtf)

SO CAN YOU JUST STOP FABRICATING LIES AND SPREADING TO HELL LOT EVERYWHERE? i feel the strong urge to confront you but so many people are telling me to bear it, grin and pretend like i don't know. Those who are kind enough to come to me and ask me how i truly feel. Thanks love.
i am fighting against my conscience to remain fake which will make me snap soon. damn fake i could just slap myself endlessly for not being a good steward of God. (I know i don't deserve to bring Him in because this anger has already made me a very wholesome sinner indeed.)

and i can't believe you tried so hard to flatter me and pretend like we're all still good.
"Wow, you're so efficient!" (x2 <--that makes it worse) when all i did was to spilt the blue tack you handed to me, into half, to stick the posters on the walls of the school. How efficient can that get please.

I really don't want to talk to you any more.

I'm sorry if i sound so childish. I am childish. I am hurt.
I know i'm not perfect either and i've messed up my own friendships with my own hands too.

and although i know even a trillion of them can never erase a scar, i am sorry.

/

Dear Diary,

yesterday was a hiong morning of tuition.
i was so fighting to stay awake tsk.

yesterday evening was the launch of Project Ainesis(:
i hope it will be successful. God please grant all of us a contrite heart.

yesterday i broke down after sharing with Chrisll and Tony, and listening to Aunty Shirley share.
Crying in front of people always makes me feel like a weakling. but i felt a whole lot better.
thanks guys.

today i made some dark chocolate mochi truffles for Shu's birthday present.
thank you Shu for always being there for me.

today Abraham (dg) waited almost a whole hour for me for group photo-taking.
thank you for the patience.

today's message during YM was a glimpse of Heaven.
thank you Dr J. Loh.

today Abraham celebrated the Jan and Feb babies birthdays with a good chocolate fudge cake from Bake Inc.
thank you Wilfred.

today i received a total of eighty dollars from Dad and Mom for my birthday.
thank you.

today my Dad brought us to a coffeeshop at J.E. St 13 to have family dinner at Aston's Express(Dad and I ate)/some famous claypot chicken rice stall(Mom and bro ate).
The Aston's Express branch at an AMK coffeeshop tasted alot better.
but thank you for the dinner anyway Dad.

Things to look forward to:
thursday outing/lunch with N and G, and maybe dinner with family at a restaurant + birthday cake; friday dinner with ZX and CH.

now i can start panicking for bio.

or go sleep.

What Am I To You?

Right now, I miss you.

Dear you,
it's my turn to say, i'm sorry.
let's forget all our troubles (or let me forget all mine) and go play in the sun again?

another day, another problem. no many problems.
i can't believe that she told him i was already having another r/s while trying to start dating him and somemore asked him to be careful (of me)?
excuse me, i never had one. and i never tried to date anyone. i was just being all naively hopeful. Nothing even worked out in the end please.
so will you just STOP with all the stupid exaggeration.
i can't believe she told them i was eyeing on it and so happy about her "showdown".
excuse me, i only learnt about your "showdown" at almost 6pm today and there's no reason for me to rejoice. if you're out there's no reason for me to stay on either.
and excuse me, i long accepted mine already why should i eye on it? you think i'm so hard up? i just have a hard time respecting you.
quit being superficial already alright? i thought everything was settled and over that day.
you've deceived me (and so many others) for quite some time.
who knows if you're truely concerned (for me; or is it really for him)? or just afraid (that your facade will fall apart)?

He's watching you, so be careful.

i got annoyed with C last night because he bugged me too much on trivial issues which arose due to his frustrations over a girl (as usual).
but it's all good now :)
thanks for being there for me.

Dear mother,
are you here for me to love or hate?
(i'll bet you're secretly damn pissed that i blocked you from my facebook profile but you don't want to confront me about it because you know you're sick to stalk me via fb almost everyday.) sorry.
When you don't feel up to it or don't feel ready to forgive me yet, you refuse to talk to me/answer me when i greet you/thank you/ask you questions. So i feel you're not worth my time talking to anymore and then you shoot back and raise your voice at me about how i come home and just walk to my room, treating you like you're invisible.
very clever.
very manipulative of my feelings.
so do you need me to go down on my knees and kiss your toes so that you may kick me once or twice in my face to disperse your anger?
i wash the dishes almost every night; i iron my own uniform; i put the clothes to wash (washing machine) or hand-wash those of mine which i need; i bother to set myself straight and get down to serious work every day in school and all i get is a bleeding screaming about spending one, two hours on the phone "talking nonsense" and "wasting time". i am facing so many bloody problems right now and i can't even talk to you, don't talk about dad or bro. my besties have their own lives to lead, put OGL-ing on the list too. Why am i faulted for needing a listening ear?

This world all full of lies lies lies.

God, please let me rest in your arms tonight.

January Blues;

i dislike how the weather is warming up.
and okay, i give up. let me just study and get closer to God. and. nothing. else. NOTHING. ELSE. AH. CLARA. CHAN.
F O C U S toot, always get so distracted tsk. D:<

"I will never regret you or say that I wish I'd never met you, because once upon a time you were exactly what I needed."

no time for games;

i was tired, i'm sorry.

i'm wearing out fast and it's only the start of the second week. clara don't lag don't lag!

i'm sorry if i've been really detached but i am not ready. i can't look you in the eye because you might just find the selfish reasons i'm hiding there. my eyes are no good for me, they give me away.
give me more time?

i vow to stand out from my old habits.

p.s. 18 Jan '10, i made and gave dark chocolate mochi truffles to Grace and J for birthday presents(: successss.
when you don't have an oven, you find a way around(:
(but i'm still dying for one tch.)

onee, twenty-one guns<3